No More New Years

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As 2020 closes in, I am starting to hear people talk about their goals for the New Year. Diets that will be starting on January 2nd, that will probably be pushed off to the following Monday that will end up being resolutions for 2021 and declarations that this will be the year that life will finally go our way, can be heard everywhere.

Although, I am strongly in support of goal setting and intentional living, I also know there are reasons why the same things keep coming up on our list year after year with no improvements made. We are not committed to these things, they are not the goals that we value or we would invest the time and energy to obtain them. Think about it, if you really want something, including things that might not be the best for you, you truly are a genius at getting them. Unfortunately, we tend to use that ability for things with only short-term rewards, like a Starbucks Coffee in our PJs with bedhead.

Before January 1st, I challenge you to sit down with a pen and paper and write out what the next year would look like for you if you knew you would not see the beginning of 2021. Be realistic as you think through this, no you did not win the lottery and will not be jet-setting around the world seeing all of the sights, unless you are already financially capable to do so.

Who would you spend your time with? What new thing might you learn that you have kept saying you would like to know if you had time? Where would you invest more energy and where would you invest less? What relationships might you repair? What might you feel like, less frantic and rushed to get it all done and more savoring of moments like sunsets and sunrises?

Now go back to your goals for 2020. Those things that made the list are the things that matter to your heart and should be top priority in what you want your experiences over the next year to be like.

The reality is that many people will not see 2021. We do not know when this life will end and we should live it in a way that shows that we are grateful for each breath and living for each moment.

Show me, O LORD, my end and the measure of my days. Let me know how fleeting my life is. Psalm 39:4 

To All the Girls That Will Never Be First

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We were never first. 

 

We were not chosen first on the playground for games. 

We never stood out enough for leads in classroom plays. 

No one ever chose us first. 

 

We never had the right clothes or wore our hair the right way. 

We liked the wrong music and read the wrong books. 

No one ever chose us first. 

 

We sang off key and fought for second chair. 

We never spoke when we should and when we did everyone stared. 

No one ever chose us first. 

 

We were quiet, we were shy. 

We never were noticed and it made us cry. 

No one ever chose us first. 

 

We were in love, but he didn’t see. 

We had a heart that would love faithfully. 

No one ever chose us first. 

 

We became tired of being last in the race.

We had finally had enough of trying to keep up with the pace.

No one ever chosen us first. 

 

He reached his perfect hand to my cheek.

It was always Him that I would seek.

No one had ever chosen me first. 

 

His gentle love washed all my sin free. 

Over the 99 He had sought just me.

No one had ever chosen me first. 

 

We are Queens of an everlasting love. 

His bleeding hands and broken body declares it from above. 

YOU are chosen first.

Camping Doesn’t Kill, But Fear Can

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The world is so peaceful. Everyone is still sleeping and it is just myself and the chattering of the multitude of birds that surround the coffee pot waiting impatiently for it to percolate.

I would love to say that I feel well rested, but my air mattress has opted not to hold in the air that would give me the cushion that I desire and let me tell you, the ground is hard. I also did not enjoy the song of the toads throughout the night. They very loudly speak to each other……..with different inflections and at different variations. I spent a significant amount of time trying to learn their language.

I do not feel like Snow White and I am pretty sure the beastly amphibians know their life is held in the balance of this first cup of coffee as well.

Yet despite all of this, here I sit in my folding chair like a queen on her throne. I am as pleased as I could possibly be with myself for this moment. Soaking it all in and enjoying every ache in my back, knowing that each new experience is me winning at life and creating a different vision of a future for my children.

As a single mom, I remember a time where I did not believe that I could take my kids out alone and do this. I did not know ANYTHING about camping. I had never been tent camping and there was a piece of me that felt like maybe I would not be able to keep my children safe if I tried.

It has been seven years since my separation and subsequent divorce. During that time I could have chosen to stay stagnant in so many mindsets that were limiting my ability to grow and become the woman that God and has always intended. I would love to tell you that it has been an easy journey, or that I have accomplished it all on sheer willpower, because of some internal strength. These would all be lies. Constant struggles with fear, doubts, and insecurities have arisen and been conquered with the help of God and the beautiful people He has allowed to come into my life.

I am not the woman I was seven years ago, because there was not an option to remain her. I had to change and grow………..or die.

So these things that I found fear in, or the thought “I can’t do that” would formulate in my brain, became the things that I knew I needed to lean into the most to find out what it is like to live my best life for both myself and my children. And the benefits have been profound for both of us. I found a strength I did not know resided in me and my children have gotten a StrongMommy.

Here I sit. Kids sleeping in tents that I set up. I am about to drink coffee and eat breakfast off of an open fire. We have caught fish and frogs, swam, kayaked, and most importantly made memories while making s’mores.

Lean into your fears. Do not let them stop you from having these moments or whatever it is they are keeping you from doing. Live your best life. Do not let your fears kill the best parts of you.

 

The Dreaded “What is Your Why?”

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Inevitably, when I sit down with one of the women of achievement that have blessed my life, I am asked this questions, “What is your why?”

A feeling of tension crosses my abdomen as the flow of rehearsed words spill forth.

“I want to inspire women! I want women to know that they can be great leaders AND great mothers simultaneously. I believe that we are losing great women from leadership positions, because of this societal idea that it is one or the other, when in reality being a mother has made me a better leader and being a leader has made me a better mother. It may not be this beautiful picturesque thing, but what I am creating in both environments, is indeed beautiful in all of its craziness.”

I believe that what I have just spoken is a powerful declaration!

There is silence…..”That is true and wonderful, but I am not convinced that is your why.”

My heart sinks. Not because of the honesty that I have requested from my friend. I have the highest level of respect for her, but because this is not the first time that I have heard these words.

My frustration stems from knowing that she is right. There is something more. This is deeper than what that statement is encompassing. I have a noble goal to wear as a crown if I choose to, but is it REALLY my why?

It should not be this hard of a question. To understand my purpose, my intent with a task, my freaking WHY!

I decided to meditate on it. Anyone that knows me understands that calming my mind is the equivalent of trying to get a two-year-old to sit in time out. I have come to accept that extend periods of time in group meditation is not an appropriate goal for me to set. It would be as unpleasant for all of the meditators (I think that is what you call a group of pros) around me, as it would be for myself.

In this brief shining moment, I was able to calm myself enough to here a clear question slide into my mind……….”who are you trying to please?”

There it was. My why is meant to be my purpose. My purpose is meant to divine. Who am I trying to please. The world? Myself? How many times have I stopped at a certain place in my writing because of fear of what someone might think or who it might offend? Those moments are where my why lives.

I still do not have a better answer for my friend, but at least I understand what I need to do to find it.

Stop residing in man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he? Isaiah 2:22

Denise L Curran

 

 

To Mommies in Puke Covered Heels

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There I sat, on my office floor rapidly trying to control the vomit pouring from my eight-year-old, and simultaneously wondering WTF had brought me to the moment where I would haul an obviously ill child into my office to “tough it out” so that I would not risk missing a meeting.

This is not the kind of mother I thought I would be. This is not the kind of high powered executive I thought I would be. This was an overwhelmed, single mom ready to sit and cry as her kid kept apologizing for being sick. APOLOGIZING TO ME! As if this had been a choice……”I think today, I will feel horrible and spew vomit all over Mommy’s super cute shoes to see if she likes it”.

This is my wake up, come to Jesus, bucket of ice water on the head, moment.

I am not overdramatizing the situation when I tell you that every moment in my life leading up to the decision to haul this kid to work, came into question. This amazing little human, who ended up having influenza, was as concerned as I was about my important meeting. She DID NOT question me even once, regarding the need to go to work when she felt so poorly.

The reality of my perceived failures came crashing down on me as I held her on that floor, reeking of the early morning oatmeal she had tried to choke down as I claimed that she did not want to be hungry later.

A child’s vomit all over a meticulously chosen work ensemble has a very introspective affect, I think.

This is the same little human that at 2-weeks-old, had a crib set up behind my desk until she was the appropriate age to go to daycare. I cannot tell you how many emails I may have typed with one hand as I nursed her, and this day in my office was far from being the first sick day she had spent camped out under my desk. I would proudly tell other women these stories of “heroic” motherhood and my strength at balancing children and a career.

Today, I do not feel heroic. Today, I feel like a damn shitty mother.

Apologies were sent out for the short notice as I canceled, not one, but two meetings. I spent the next two days at home, being the mother that I needed to be in that moment.

As I nurtured my little girl back to health, I came to a truth. I will ALWAYS be the best mother I can be. Sometimes, I will win and other days I will walk away feeling like a failure, but I will do my best and with my full heart until my last breath.

Sitting on that floor with my baby, was not a win. In that moment I had to let go of the perceived impact on my career and realize that it did not make me less capable than my counterparts. I believe that it may actually make me a better performer. I know where real value lives and you will never find a better strategist, multitasker, or negotiator than an Executive Mommy covered in kid puke.

At the end of the day, my little Lily will know it was all for her, the Mommy and the Executive.

Denise L Curran

Successful Mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that have never given up, despite the struggles~ Sharon Jaynes

 

 

via To Mommies in Puke Covered Heels