To Mommies in Puke Covered Heels

There I sat, on my office floor rapidly trying to control the vomit pouring from my eight-year-old, and simultaneously wondering WTF had brought me to the moment where I would haul an obviously ill child into my office to “tough it out” so that I would not risk missing a meeting.

This is not the kind of mother I thought I would be. This is not the kind of high powered executive I thought I would be. This was an overwhelmed, single mom ready to sit and cry as her kid kept apologizing for being sick. APOLOGIZING TO ME! As if this had been a choice……”I think today, I will feel horrible and spew vomit all over Mommy’s super cute shoes to see if she likes it”.

This is my wake up, come to Jesus, bucket of ice water on the head, moment.

I am not overdramatizing the situation when I tell you that every moment in my life leading up to the decision to haul this kid to work, came into question. This amazing little human, who ended up having influenza, was as concerned as I was about my important meeting. She DID NOT question me even once, regarding the need to go to work when she felt so poorly.

The reality of my perceived failures came crashing down on me as I held her on that floor, reeking of the early morning oatmeal she had tried to choke down as I claimed that she did not want to be hungry later.

A child’s vomit all over a meticulously chosen work ensemble has a very introspective affect, I think.

This is the same little human that at 2-weeks-old, had a crib set up behind my desk until she was the appropriate age to go to daycare. I cannot tell you how many emails I may have typed with one hand as I nursed her, and this day in my office was far from being the first sick day she had spent camped out under my desk. I would proudly tell other women these stories of “heroic” motherhood and my strength at balancing children and a career.

Today, I do not feel heroic. Today, I feel like a damn shitty mother.

Apologies were sent out for the short notice as I canceled, not one, but two meetings. I spent the next two days at home, being the mother that I needed to be in that moment.

As I nurtured my little girl back to health, I came to a truth. I will ALWAYS be the best mother I can be. Sometimes, I will win and other days I will walk away feeling like a failure, but I will do my best and with my full heart until my last breath.

Sitting on that floor with my baby, was not a win. In that moment I had to let go of the perceived impact on my career and realize that it did not make me less capable than my counterparts. I believe that it may actually make me a better performer. I know where real value lives and you will never find a better strategist, multitasker, or negotiator than an Executive Mommy covered in kid puke.

At the end of the day, my little Lily will know it was all for her, the Mommy and the Executive.

Denise L Curran

Successful Mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that have never given up, despite the struggles~ Sharon Jaynes